Love how my birth dad was spouting nonsense last night and throwing my dead name around and misgendering me (aggressively like he was yelling at my mom)

To the next day my mom continuing to take care of him and serve him his coffee… I can’t w this shit like this is just crazy how he never is held accountable for anything. He lucked out in life didn’t he? A wife that stayed by his side even tho he traumatized her and his kids. A mother that always accepts him into her arms. Must be nice

Been thinking about killing myself way more often this year. I think it’s because I manifested killing myself at 25 since I was a teen

I hate that in this society talking about your emotions and trauma past the age of like idk 24??? You’re just seen as “holding onto the past” and that you need to let go and live your life

Like motherfuckers my softness and childhood was taken. How???? Fucking how. Fuck all these people saying because it’s all they know how to say when they see someone in emotional distress from past traumas. They’ve said that to me since I was a kid but now they have more of a reason to tell me that because I’m an “adult” like ughhh so agrivating now they want to bring age into it when they’ve always told me to get over it

Wish talking about suicide was like just normal? And not blown up like it is. Been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and I feel like there’s no one to turn to unless I want to be taken to a hospital. Fucking hate that. Are we rlly supposed to pretend we’re fine? Until we actually carry it out in silence? Ugh I’m not violent but the intense emotions running through me is overbearing and I rlly just want to combust

Like I genuinely have never been this upset. But I’m barely surviving and no one gives a fuck lmao

Unrelated but like been w a couple ppl and we get all cute and romantic but for some reason I feel like people need too much from me and take, giving me very little but I don’t complain because they could’ve just taken and taken giving nothing (tho if that was the case it would be easier to drop them)

But somehow I’m the one who ends up “loosing effort” like no I’m a little uncomf because I don’t know how to communicate that I feel used without ppl getting upset that I’m telling them I feel they are extracting too much from me. Best u can do is just distance yourself. Another thing is that when the relationship becomes dull it always seems to lie on me to fix it and pour in the effort. Like… fr I’m not lying when I say I have never been ducking taken care of w no intentions set (like sex) and it’s so rare when someone looks at me and actually sees me. With seeing me I like to think they can see my life my pain my growths and my light that I try to protect. I just at least hope that they don’t think I’m okay or have a family. like you think I got here like this? With support? Lmao don’t know what support is. Always felt by myself and couldn’t ask for help. Back to being broke Like I’ll kind of imply that I’m broke by talking about what I do and maybe how often I go out or eat lol but to them I’m just a hermit and a skinny bitch… Like lmao guess I’ll die.

But yeah I’m hungry now and broke so 👍🏼😇

I was making juice yesterday and I come back this morning still in the fridge, come out the bath and the mum threw it away :( that was literally my breakfast and the last of my greens. Eating healthy is expensive and no one realizes that lmaooo and ppl in this house just think all my stuff is trash so 🤷🏻 always having my shit thrown out

Life got interesting and I’m chainsmoking again

🤷🏻

Btw if anyone wants to ever help me out I have an only fans 🐾🐶 @smuttmutt a bitch struggling w his mental health.

$muttlalo is the cache app :3

Goals: getting a strap, cheap set up to film, eye glasses, necessities, occasional housing. Thx 🐕

Originally posted by muvana

Back to staring at my phone emotionless and w empty eyes .__. hanging out w ppl was cool but think it was just temporary. I feel like isolating again and idk for how long. I blame mercury retrograde being over >:( back to my hermit shit. Bye to all the cute ppl I hung out w

UPDATE: found out at the same time I started my period 🤪 more and more I realize that it’s just my period when I get all suicidal

I just realized I sent in such a terrible resume :(

Tired of half a**ing my goals. my brother said to just send them another email so that makes me feel better. srsly wanna go back to school :( Wah like that helps my brain keep organized. Otherwise I feel so lost 😞 been half assing all my life. When’s that going to change?

Russian doll was trippy. Was thinking nonstop and now it’s dark 🥺 I wasn’t even paying attention. hate when I do this

Life is so fucking boring rn

I’m gonna quit smoking and focus on building muscle

Brb

zytes:

kind of lame that graffiti is considered vandalism, while advertisements being forcefully beamed into my eyes via every inch of visible wall, road, and social media feed isn’t

(via calberttheghost)

queenrojpag:

They say there’s no such place as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the earth, there’s nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it’s always the same road. It just goes on and on… But in spite of that, why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me. It says, ‘Search for Paradise’.

Wolf’s Rain (2003-2004)